Men's Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny by Alisha Gaddis

Author:Alisha Gaddis [Gaddis, Alisha]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: acting, auditioning
Publisher: Applause Theatre & Cinema Books
Published: 2015-06-26T04:00:00+00:00

Morning After

Jeff Passino

KEITH, 30s

KEITH’s bed, in his very small studio apartment.

KEITH Hey. Psst. Hey, Jenny. Are you awake? Ah that’s okay, I guess you’re not an early riser like me, huh? Ha-ha. Yeah, I’m a bit of a morning person. Admittedly not usually THIS much of a morning person, 6:00 a.m. is pretty early. I can’t sleep, though. I just want to stay up and watch you sleep. Whoa, that sounded creepy coming out of my mouth. You’re still asleep I hope, yeah? Ha-ha. Wait, are you? Okay, good. Yeah, you will find I do that a lot. So much stuff seems like a good idea to say in my head and then it comes out and blaaahhh, oh no what have I said. Ha-ha. That’s why if you ever hear anyone around the office say that I’m a racist, it’s . . . that was a big misunderstanding and . . . I’m a big believer in equality for everyone. Except for women, obviously. Ha-ha, no, obviously a joke. And a clear example of what I’m talking about. But that’s my humor, too. You’re probably like “What, the IT guy has a sense of humor?” Um yes, I do. People have even told me I should probably do stand-up. Well my parents have. My mom. And I’m like, “Mom, I don’t think everyone is going to get it when I do an impression of Nana.” Ha-ha-ha-ha-aaahhh. My mom is a big fan of the impression I do of my nana. You will probably like it, too. Though you won’t have anything to compare it to, my nana died about five years ago.

What are you going to want for breakfast? I’ll ask you again when you are actually awake, obviously, but just know I can make you anything you want. Whatever you are dreaming about right now in that pretty little head of yours, I’ll make for you.

[Whispering into her ear to get her to start dreaming about food.] Blueberry pancakes. Hash browns. An egg, bacon, avocado breakfast sandwich. Raisin Bran. Oh yeah, anything at all you want I will make you. And then after breakfast if you want to just hang out with me for the rest of the day well, I guess that would be cool. Ha-ha. I did just get a couple new video games. An early Christmas present to myself. Oh gosh, I should . . . probably . . . I’m going to have to get you a Christmas present now, huh? Or, how long after people start dating is it before they get presents for each other usually? ’Cause it will be, let’s see, Christmas is Wednesday and [Counting on his fingers.] Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wed . . . well it will be like almost a week, I’m sure we can do a little something for each other. I mean I want to. You deserve it. It will be fun. I’ve never had a girlfriend on a holiday before. Yeah, this will

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